Report: Every Billionaire in the World Wants to Buy the Kings

According to very reliable sources, every billionaire in the world wants to own the Sacramento Kings.

Every single person on the Forbes Magazine billionaire list wants in badly, including Carlos Slim Helu, Bill Gates, Warren Buffet, Bernand Arnault,  Amancio Ortega and Larry Ellison. All have more money than God.

"Who doesn't want to own the Kings?" Buffet said, sporting a purple Jimmer jersey. "I watch every game and, even though I don't agree with Keith Smart's rotations, they are a compelling team to watch."

Bill Gates has been eyeing Sacramento for years. "I once thought about Elk Grove as the new home for Microsoft, but I couldn't get a good deal.  Now I'm willing to risk every cent of my fortune to make Sacramento my new base of operations."

The business world was shocked by the sudden influx of interest from the billionaires.  The big-money players are pushing out lesser ones. One Saudi sheik, worth $950 million, told one local reporter: "Too rich for my blood."

Wall Street investors say buying the Kings could be a hugely profitable move. "I just saw a report cross my desk that said owning the Kings is like printing money,"  said one employee at Merrill Lynch.  "Look at the Maloofs.  Those guys are rich as hell.  At least that's what my friend told me."

The mad rush to buy the Kings shows no signs of slowing down.

"Who doesn't want to have courtside seats to watch Travis Outlaw," howled an elated Ellison.  "All my friends are gonna be jealous as hell when I own this squad."

Sacramento Mayor Kevin Johnson is set to call a press conference to introduce the billionaires.

The Untold, Kinda Real Story Behind the Name "HereWeBuy"

The HereWeBuy movement has begun in Sacramento, thanks to local Kings supporter Carmichael Dave, who hatched the idea and helped develop a website that has captured the attention of the city. (See www.herewebuy.org)

Thousands of fans have pledged to buy season tickets on the site in hopes it will only boost the city in the eyes of the NBA.

Yet the slogan, "HereWeBuy," was not the first choice of many involved in the project.  It was only chosen after careful consideration and many hours of deliberation.

So what were the other suggestions?

Well, thanks to some inside information, we share them with you:

#HereWeBurkle: Huge favorite early, but then tossed aside because it was considered too specific.  Also considered: #HereWeCarlsen, #HearWeJiffyLube and #HearWeMastrov.  Not considered: #HereWeWeinersnitchel

#HereWeNapear: This lost by a close vote, but was eliminated when Carmichael Dave was unable to secure the rights to use Grant's name from long-lost love Don Geronimo.

#HereWeRemainAThornInTheSideOfTheMaloofsUntilTheyTakeTheirBrokeAssButtsAndGetOutOfTown:  Almost made the final cut but was considered a tad long and, ultimately, too hard to fit on a t-shirt.

#HereWeLingerHopelessly: Slightly depressing idea offered by a group of apathetic fans who wanted to get involved but felt it was too much of a bother.  It was given the early heave-ho.

#HereWeSpayAndNeuter:  Suggestion was slipped in by a local SPCA booster and Kings season ticket holder.  He was quickly shown the door and asked to pick up after his unruly beagle.

#HereWeBlowedUpAnySeattleDealRealGood: Carmichael Dave, a long-time fan of SCTV, was rooting for this one but nobody knew what he was talking about, despite referencing the video below:

Shocker: Kings post team for sale on ebay!

The Kings are for sale.  And it's finally public knowledge.

But just how public is this knowledge?

Very public.

You see, much to our surprise, the Kings owners have shockingly decided to list the team on ebay.com.  It makes sense.  What better place to get the money you so richly deserve?

It took us awhile, but we finally found the listing -- and it's mighty interesting.

First off, they've listed it for a Buy It Now price of $499 million.  That seemed like a genuine bargain until I scrolled down a bit and noticed that they also wanted $120 million for shipping and handling.

Too steep for my blood.  I'm a sucker for Free Shipping and this just seemed a little overpriced.

The seller -- some guy named MaloofusYou2013 located in Natomas -- posted a fairly compelling description of the sale item.

Here it is:

One-of-a-kind professional sports franchise in gently used condition.   Bid now for a chance to become part of an elite group of team owners.  Team is completely mobile.  Can move anywhere.  Or you can stay put and deal with the cowbell ringers and cocky mayor in this one-horse town.

Item comes complete with set of 12 life-sized professional basketball players.  Set includes one extra-large surly fellow with a lot of talent, one extra small former college sensation who has an interesting first name,  and one former rookie-of-the-year (could have some slight physical defects).  A number of players who seem to lack any ability at all are included to complete the set. 

The product comes with a full coaching staff, although we make no guarantees on their basketball knowledge or their ability to help your set of life-sized players in any way, shape or form.

As an option, we also offer a vice president who is slightly comatose, does not change expression, and was once was considered a genius (that probably no longer applies). 

Please, only bidders with legitimate credentials and big bank.  No wanna-be's, Jersey Shore types, or anyone with the last name Burkle.

All sales are final.  Unless we decide to change our minds at the last minute.

Good luck and good bidding!

Zombie Petrie and the Kings Apocalypse

And now the bloody truth has begun to leak out.

Geoff Petrie is a card-carrying member of the walking dead.

He may not eat flesh and he doesn't have the pallor of a corpse,  but there's no doubt he's dead. 

And yes, he is still breathing and wearing sport coats and leaning silently in the his little spot under the basket.  But make no mistake, as a man of relevance in the NBA, the Kings' basketball president is nothing but a Zombie.  

It is yet another sign that the Kings Apocalypse is upon us.  Forget those silly Mayans and their ill-fated scare tactics.  We've got full-on, end-of-the-world scenario playing out in the bowels of whatever they call that half-ass arena in Natomas.

DeMarcus Cousins has become such a sack-slapping, brooding, half-hearted suspended pile of disappointment that trade rumors are wafting furiously in the air.  But Zombie Petrie remains on the sidelines, awaiting word on his undead future.

The Maloofs, who are flirting with so many cities they have decided to post a sexy profile of the Kings on Match.com, have rendered Zombie Petrie helpless.  He barely speaks to anyone.  He barely moves.  

Zombie Petrie chooses to remain passive as his reputation (or what's left of it) gets ground into piles of charred bones.

Unfortunately, nobody expects anything to change.

If Zombie Petrie had a shred of dignity left in his lifeless body, he would resign.  Or he would defy his bosses and say something that was actually meaningful.

It's a sad and frightening time -- and a  time for Zombie Petrie to regain his human faculties.

Disgusted Kings fans, Twitter, and Carmichael Dave

It all came to a head Saturday night.

And if you were following the Twitter comments of Kings fans, it seemed like an eruption of frustration.

While the team was laying a King-sized turd in Clipperland, a good deal of the Sacramento fan base had decided they'd seen enough.

In a Tweet Tsumani of disgusted barbs, fans bombarded listless players, absent ownership and a distinctly rudderless ship.

All of this against the backdrop of a franchise prepared to pack up and leave town as soon as another city could toss enough community cash at the Maloofs.

Carmichael Dave, the former KHTK broadcaster turned internet radio host, refuses to give up on efforts to keep the Kings.  He even hatched a new scheme:  tweeting about a sit-in at the arena, perhaps even a human chain circling the entire building.

His suggestion was met with enthusiasm on the Twittersphere with people pledging to join him.

I suggested a nude element but quickly thought better of the idea.

Then I figured we could hire that UC Davis cop to pepper spray Dave in an effort to draw attention to the cause.

That's what life has become for fans of this fallen franchise.  Grasping at straws.  Hoping that howling into the cold, wet night will evoke a response from someone, anyone.

But the sad truth is that nobody is listening.

It's just darkness out there.

Darkness and silence.

Time for Joe and Gavin Maloof to take a stand and save the Kings

Okay, it's time for the older brothers to make a stand.

Where are you, Joe and Gavin?  Kings nation turns its lonely eyes to you.

Why have you disappeared?

And why are you letting your weasel younger brother seemingly hijack the operation of the team?

Joe and Gavin Maloof used to be the faces of the franchise.  Young, energetic owners with a passion for basketball.  They  rooted with unrestrained gusto at courtside during the glory years.  They answered the phone when fans called.  They lived and breathed customer service.

But now they are invisible.  Why?

Are they not considered competent enough to run the franchise?  

Why has George, who presided over the business swoon of the Palms Casino, become the man in charge of the Kings?  Was it always this way and we just didn't know?

You have to wonder what Joe and Gavin are thinking, but they hardly speak anymore.  Do they want the team to remain in Sacramento?  Sure seemed like it when they did their premature dance at midcourt with Kevin Johnson before the ill-fated Sacramento arena deal exploded in a gory mess.

It's not too late for the boys to make a stand.  

It's not too late to turn this slow-motion community tragedy into a momentous victory for a city that has given its life blood to a franchise for 25 years.

It's not too late to regain your reputation.

Tell George to step aside.

Go back to Mayor Johnson and make a deal.

This is your team.

Act like it.

Make it happen.

The Kings don't care anymore. Why should we?

Wow, that was fast.

A season down the drain in less than 10 games.

Even for the Kings, that's pretty damn impressive. What happens now is all about the ugly.

Attendance at Sleep Train Arena will continue to plummet.  Fan interest, already at an all-time low, will continue to wane.  And the players - that collection of ill-fitting, selfish, immature youngsters - will begin to implode.

But nothing will happen.

This might easily become the greatest train wreck in sports history.

Fire Keith Smart?  Doubtful.  The team has no money to hire a real coach and they just gave the guy an extension.

Make a huge trade?  Laughable.  That would entail Geoff Petrie actually rising from a decade-long nap.  And owners who are engaged.  Hint: They ain't.

The Kings have become a debacle of the highest order.

Professional sports should bring pride and passion and buzz to a city.  They should not make you feel sad.

But that's what happening right now.

Deep in the bowels of the arena, the truth is known.  Nobody seems to care.  Not the players.  Not the team management.

And if they don't care, why should we?

Can Petrie be charged with sports franchise malpractice?

Can team officials be charged with sports franchise malpractice?

Because that's exactly what should happen to the Kings' Geoff Petrie.

What he's done to this franchise over the page few years is a downright embarrassment.  A team that a decade ago prided itself on passing, ball movement, and team play has become the NBA's poster child for selfishness. 

And you can lay the blame at the feet of Petrie.

For some some reason, he fell in love with gunners. 

Tyreke Evans.   Aaron Brooks.  Marcus Thornton.  DeMarcus Cousins.  Jimmer Fredette.

None of them has ever shown the slightest interest in sharing the ball, but Petrie thought it was a brilliant idea to collect them all and shove them in front of a coach with no clue how to tame them.

That coach - Keith Smart - is not going to turn things around.  He is overmatched as a strategist and motivator.  Yet Petrie decided to hand him a contract extension during the offseason.

Petrie has been living off a few clever moves from more than 12 years ago.  But he is no longer considered an upper-echelon front-office guy.

He still hasn't found a small forward for the team, despite years of nothing at that position.  His acquisition of John Salmons last year was one of the worst personnel moves in NBA history.  And don't get me started on Travis Outlaw.

 The point-guard position is still weak, despite my soft spot for Isaiah Thomas.  Nobody on the team is capable of running  a simple pick-and-roll and setting up a teammate.

Cousins is considered a bright spot, but if the first few games are any indication, he is still a ticking time bomb, supremely moody and seemingly incapable of playing the game without making surly faces at every perceived slight.   

It's sad.  It's pathetic.  And it's time to point the finger at the man who is most responsible for this disaster.

Mr. Petrie, come take a bow.

The passion is gone for this Kings fan

Normally, this time of year I'd have a touch of Kings fever. Perhaps a tingle of enthusiasm for the upcoming NBA season.

Here's a news flash: I've got nuthin.

I'm empty.

Maybe I've bled out.  Pierced by a bleak future, bludgeoned by years of ownership neglect.

You can delude yourself and think this team is loaded with young talent, but that's an ugly mirage.  The team is nothing but an oddly arranged group of mismatched talent with a uniform desire to chuck up shots, avoid defense and passing, and just casually go about the business of being NBA losers.

DeMarcus Cousins has plenty of talent and still sports the maturity of a 12 year old. Tyreke Evans has been woefully coached and has no clue about his role.  New rookie Thomas Robinson is not going to make an impact for a few years.  And Jimmer?  Well, there hasn't been a worse acquisition for a team since the New York Jets traded for Tim Tebow.

It's sad, really.  This city used to love its team without question.   Now we constantly question without love. The passion is gone. So are many of the fans. And the actual team is probably gone by year's end.

Maybe this team will surprise us.  Maybe they'll figure it out and shock the league.  But I ain't holding my breath.

Sure, I'll still tune in for awhile at least.  I'm curious.  But there aren't many players I'd want to invest in emotionally. Isaiah Thomas is about the only guy I truly like on the entire squad.

Here's hoping for one last season to give Sacramento a few thrills.

Maloofs pay for somebody to abuse them. We do it for free.

So I'm listening to The Howard Stern show the other day and insult comic Jeffrey Ross is explaining how he sometimes gets hired by rich folks to do private roasts.

He lets slip that he recently did one of these private roasts for the Maloof brothers in Las Vegas  That tidbit of news left me confused.

First off, how do the Maloofs, who can't afford to put a coat of paint on the walls at their crumbling arena, afford to pony up for a professional comedian to make fun of them for an hour?  That's gotta be a huge wad of dough.  Ross said that Gavin paid him the old fashioned way, reaching into the cashier's cage at the Palms Hotel for the payoff.

This is the way the Maloofs are spending their money?

Haven't they been roasted enough over the past year?  All they need to do is read my blog to feel bad about their shameful behavior.  No need to hire anyone.

There's only one thing left to conclude from all this: The Maloofs enjoy abuse.

Kings fans, let's all continue to make their dreams come true.