Maloof letter to NBA: The Portions You Didn't See

We were slipped a copy of the alleged original letter from George Maloof to the NBA.  Here are some of the juicier, redacted portions of the letter:

"The offer from the Sacramento group was, plain and simple, just paltry. Chicken feed. Play money.  In fact, we're not sure this Vivek guy is even real. Does he have a checking account?  We've never seen proper I.D."

"I ran the Palms in Vegas. Maybe you've heard of it.  It was the hottest place in town.  I know all about good deals. And this deal from this so- called group of whales is not good.  And please, don't tell me I ran the Palms into the ground. That is all speculation and rumors being spread by a dubious clandestine Sacramento organization"

"We tried to make it work in Sacramento.  We did what every red-blooded NBA owner in the league would do ... We tried to bleed every last cent of public money from the city in exchange for the right to take every penny of profit from a new arena, parking and naming rights."

"Mr. Stern, sometimes I get the feeling you think we are amateurs in the world of business. You treat us like we are little boys running a lemonade stand. Well, I tell you this: You are a stinky face."

"We really respect the fans of Sacramento. We would never want to treat them badly. But c'mon, Seattle!  Coffee. Alt bands. Guys with very heavy wallets. How could we not choose them?"

"Mayor Kevin Johnson hasn't been that fair with us.  I think he's upset that we don't kiss his feet and call him King KJ.  But look, we don't want to be responsible for the homeless of Sacramento going hungry. Or for half the elementary schools to close.  Or for criminals to take to the streets.  That's why don't want to take the Sacramento deal. We're doing it for the citizens. God bless them."

The Maloofs: How to destroy a franchise and get filthy rich

For all we know, the Maloof family might be sweetest, most kind group of folks in the world.

For all we know, the Maloof family might be the most greedy, despicable bunch of dillettants since the Kardashians.

But for the people of Sacramento, all we can see right now is an ending that rewards the family with untold riches after it dismantled a franchise and left a legacy of ill will.

The Kings have been operated on yarn and chewing gum for way too long.   For the past three years, the Maloofs have flirted like drunk tramps with virtually every city in America.  The deals came and went and their secret maneuvers poked like a sharp stick at the psyche of Kings fans.

Now, with murmurs of a bidding war between Sacramento and Seattle, the Maloofs stand to walk away from this deal with more than $400 million in their pockets.  That's enough to start another skateboarding vodka company with plenty left over to fund the bachelor brothers and their antics for years to come.

It just doesn't seem fair.

Unfortunately, it's capitalism at its most raw and unvarnished.

If you like Bain Capital and its strip mining of American companies, you're gonna love this very unhappy ending.

Even if Sacramento wrenches the Kings back from the precipice, the Maloofs still win.

And they win big.

The Maloof family legacy is going to be hard to forget.

Best to start trying right now.

Sometimes a city just has to go for it

Sometimes, you just gotta go for it.

That's the way I feel about Sacramento's spectacular, last-ditch attempt to save the Kings.

Sure, if you look too close at the numbers, it's probably a bit of a gamble, but it's a worthy gamble.  A smart gamble.

Has anyone seen the Downtown Plaza lately.  It's a sad shell of a mall.  Empty storefronts.  Zero energy.  No foot traffic.

And this is the centerpiece of downtown Sacramento?

There is no billionaire on a white horse who is ready to ride in and save the Downtown Plaza.  Nobody who is ready to infuse billions to revitalize the site.

But there are four so-called whales who are willing to make that investment if it includes the Kings.

That small tidbit alone should be enough to convince anybody about the value of an NBA franchise.

Could the project backfire and cost the city millions?  Sure, maybe.

But it could also turn downtown Sacramento into an amazing destination, boost tourism, and make sure the city becomes an attractive target for young professionals and companies looking for a place with more amenities than just a replica old west town lined with cheesy t-shirt shops.

And what about those citizens who are offended by spending money on such a luxury project when it would be better to spend the money on helping the homeless or increasing law enforcement?

A silly argument.

The homeless and the cops won't benefit a bit if the Kings leave.

Sacramento's city economy is based on state workers.  Those workers figure to decrease in number and see their salaries cut.  That means the only way to increase the budget is to increase the tax revenue. And the only way you do that is by revitalizing the city and inviting development and growth.

Now is the time for visionary thinking.  Now is the time to take a calculated gamble.

Go take a walk through Downtown Plaza.  Look around.  Now stop and visualize a stunning entertainment complex, filled with great restaurants, bars, shopping and a state-of-the-art arena.

Ready to roll the dice?

Better to empty, not fill, the arena

Here We Buy was a noble idea hatched by devoted Kings fans to fill the arena for a single night to prove, well, uh... I'm not so sure what it was meant to do.

And that's the problem.

In recent weeks, it began to reek of desperation.  When the organizers couldn't get enough fans to pull the trigger on hugely discounted tickets, they asked for donations to buy tickets.

There are reasons why the response was so tepid.  The odds of keeping the Kings seem fairly long at this point and watching this dreadful group of selfish players has become drudgery.  Plus, the thought of handing one more dime to the Maloofs is just painful.

The Here We Buy movement hardly made a blip on the national media radar.  And besides giving Kings fans a feeling like they were doing something positive, it did virtually nothing to move the needle in any direction.

Call me a party pooper.  A cynic.  A jerk-face.  Ouch, that last one hurt.

But I believe there was only one option as a protest for Kings fans.

And that was to empty the arena completely.

What better way to show the contempt for an ownership that ripped the collective heart from the most loyal fan base in the NBA?

A packed house doesn't produce amazing imagery for SportsCenter.

A near-empty arena does.

Think about it:  A professional basketball game played in front of virtually nobody.

And outside the arena, thousands of fans rallying around a bonfire, holding signs saying "The Maloofs Stole Our Heart and Sold Our Soul."  Chanting. Unified.  Partying.   Maybe Chris Webber addressing the crowd.

Now that's an attention-getting event.

Naysayers might say that sends a negative image about the community.  Maybe, but I say it sends a negative image about the Maloofs.  That they did the city and the fans wrong.  And now the fans are fed up and not taking it any longer.

Would emptying the arena matter to the NBA?  Probably not much.  But there's a reason why negative political ads are more effective than positive ones.  The messages in negative ads are more likely to stick in your brain.  The more you can plant the message that the Maloofs screwed Sacramento, the tougher it becomes to wrench the franchise away.  

It's not too late to join this new movement, of course.

Here We Empty can still happen.

In fact, I've been part of it for the past two months.

Join me.

Report: Every Billionaire in the World Wants to Buy the Kings

According to very reliable sources, every billionaire in the world wants to own the Sacramento Kings.

Every single person on the Forbes Magazine billionaire list wants in badly, including Carlos Slim Helu, Bill Gates, Warren Buffet, Bernand Arnault,  Amancio Ortega and Larry Ellison. All have more money than God.

"Who doesn't want to own the Kings?" Buffet said, sporting a purple Jimmer jersey. "I watch every game and, even though I don't agree with Keith Smart's rotations, they are a compelling team to watch."

Bill Gates has been eyeing Sacramento for years. "I once thought about Elk Grove as the new home for Microsoft, but I couldn't get a good deal.  Now I'm willing to risk every cent of my fortune to make Sacramento my new base of operations."

The business world was shocked by the sudden influx of interest from the billionaires.  The big-money players are pushing out lesser ones. One Saudi sheik, worth $950 million, told one local reporter: "Too rich for my blood."

Wall Street investors say buying the Kings could be a hugely profitable move. "I just saw a report cross my desk that said owning the Kings is like printing money,"  said one employee at Merrill Lynch.  "Look at the Maloofs.  Those guys are rich as hell.  At least that's what my friend told me."

The mad rush to buy the Kings shows no signs of slowing down.

"Who doesn't want to have courtside seats to watch Travis Outlaw," howled an elated Ellison.  "All my friends are gonna be jealous as hell when I own this squad."

Sacramento Mayor Kevin Johnson is set to call a press conference to introduce the billionaires.

The Untold, Kinda Real Story Behind the Name "HereWeBuy"

The HereWeBuy movement has begun in Sacramento, thanks to local Kings supporter Carmichael Dave, who hatched the idea and helped develop a website that has captured the attention of the city. (See www.herewebuy.org)

Thousands of fans have pledged to buy season tickets on the site in hopes it will only boost the city in the eyes of the NBA.

Yet the slogan, "HereWeBuy," was not the first choice of many involved in the project.  It was only chosen after careful consideration and many hours of deliberation.

So what were the other suggestions?

Well, thanks to some inside information, we share them with you:

#HereWeBurkle: Huge favorite early, but then tossed aside because it was considered too specific.  Also considered: #HereWeCarlsen, #HearWeJiffyLube and #HearWeMastrov.  Not considered: #HereWeWeinersnitchel

#HereWeNapear: This lost by a close vote, but was eliminated when Carmichael Dave was unable to secure the rights to use Grant's name from long-lost love Don Geronimo.

#HereWeRemainAThornInTheSideOfTheMaloofsUntilTheyTakeTheirBrokeAssButtsAndGetOutOfTown:  Almost made the final cut but was considered a tad long and, ultimately, too hard to fit on a t-shirt.

#HereWeLingerHopelessly: Slightly depressing idea offered by a group of apathetic fans who wanted to get involved but felt it was too much of a bother.  It was given the early heave-ho.

#HereWeSpayAndNeuter:  Suggestion was slipped in by a local SPCA booster and Kings season ticket holder.  He was quickly shown the door and asked to pick up after his unruly beagle.

#HereWeBlowedUpAnySeattleDealRealGood: Carmichael Dave, a long-time fan of SCTV, was rooting for this one but nobody knew what he was talking about, despite referencing the video below:

Shocker: Kings post team for sale on ebay!

The Kings are for sale.  And it's finally public knowledge.

But just how public is this knowledge?

Very public.

You see, much to our surprise, the Kings owners have shockingly decided to list the team on ebay.com.  It makes sense.  What better place to get the money you so richly deserve?

It took us awhile, but we finally found the listing -- and it's mighty interesting.

First off, they've listed it for a Buy It Now price of $499 million.  That seemed like a genuine bargain until I scrolled down a bit and noticed that they also wanted $120 million for shipping and handling.

Too steep for my blood.  I'm a sucker for Free Shipping and this just seemed a little overpriced.

The seller -- some guy named MaloofusYou2013 located in Natomas -- posted a fairly compelling description of the sale item.

Here it is:

One-of-a-kind professional sports franchise in gently used condition.   Bid now for a chance to become part of an elite group of team owners.  Team is completely mobile.  Can move anywhere.  Or you can stay put and deal with the cowbell ringers and cocky mayor in this one-horse town.

Item comes complete with set of 12 life-sized professional basketball players.  Set includes one extra-large surly fellow with a lot of talent, one extra small former college sensation who has an interesting first name,  and one former rookie-of-the-year (could have some slight physical defects).  A number of players who seem to lack any ability at all are included to complete the set. 

The product comes with a full coaching staff, although we make no guarantees on their basketball knowledge or their ability to help your set of life-sized players in any way, shape or form.

As an option, we also offer a vice president who is slightly comatose, does not change expression, and was once was considered a genius (that probably no longer applies). 

Please, only bidders with legitimate credentials and big bank.  No wanna-be's, Jersey Shore types, or anyone with the last name Burkle.

All sales are final.  Unless we decide to change our minds at the last minute.

Good luck and good bidding!

Zombie Petrie and the Kings Apocalypse

And now the bloody truth has begun to leak out.

Geoff Petrie is a card-carrying member of the walking dead.

He may not eat flesh and he doesn't have the pallor of a corpse,  but there's no doubt he's dead. 

And yes, he is still breathing and wearing sport coats and leaning silently in the his little spot under the basket.  But make no mistake, as a man of relevance in the NBA, the Kings' basketball president is nothing but a Zombie.  

It is yet another sign that the Kings Apocalypse is upon us.  Forget those silly Mayans and their ill-fated scare tactics.  We've got full-on, end-of-the-world scenario playing out in the bowels of whatever they call that half-ass arena in Natomas.

DeMarcus Cousins has become such a sack-slapping, brooding, half-hearted suspended pile of disappointment that trade rumors are wafting furiously in the air.  But Zombie Petrie remains on the sidelines, awaiting word on his undead future.

The Maloofs, who are flirting with so many cities they have decided to post a sexy profile of the Kings on Match.com, have rendered Zombie Petrie helpless.  He barely speaks to anyone.  He barely moves.  

Zombie Petrie chooses to remain passive as his reputation (or what's left of it) gets ground into piles of charred bones.

Unfortunately, nobody expects anything to change.

If Zombie Petrie had a shred of dignity left in his lifeless body, he would resign.  Or he would defy his bosses and say something that was actually meaningful.

It's a sad and frightening time -- and a  time for Zombie Petrie to regain his human faculties.

Disgusted Kings fans, Twitter, and Carmichael Dave

It all came to a head Saturday night.

And if you were following the Twitter comments of Kings fans, it seemed like an eruption of frustration.

While the team was laying a King-sized turd in Clipperland, a good deal of the Sacramento fan base had decided they'd seen enough.

In a Tweet Tsumani of disgusted barbs, fans bombarded listless players, absent ownership and a distinctly rudderless ship.

All of this against the backdrop of a franchise prepared to pack up and leave town as soon as another city could toss enough community cash at the Maloofs.

Carmichael Dave, the former KHTK broadcaster turned internet radio host, refuses to give up on efforts to keep the Kings.  He even hatched a new scheme:  tweeting about a sit-in at the arena, perhaps even a human chain circling the entire building.

His suggestion was met with enthusiasm on the Twittersphere with people pledging to join him.

I suggested a nude element but quickly thought better of the idea.

Then I figured we could hire that UC Davis cop to pepper spray Dave in an effort to draw attention to the cause.

That's what life has become for fans of this fallen franchise.  Grasping at straws.  Hoping that howling into the cold, wet night will evoke a response from someone, anyone.

But the sad truth is that nobody is listening.

It's just darkness out there.

Darkness and silence.

Time for Joe and Gavin Maloof to take a stand and save the Kings

Okay, it's time for the older brothers to make a stand.

Where are you, Joe and Gavin?  Kings nation turns its lonely eyes to you.

Why have you disappeared?

And why are you letting your weasel younger brother seemingly hijack the operation of the team?

Joe and Gavin Maloof used to be the faces of the franchise.  Young, energetic owners with a passion for basketball.  They  rooted with unrestrained gusto at courtside during the glory years.  They answered the phone when fans called.  They lived and breathed customer service.

But now they are invisible.  Why?

Are they not considered competent enough to run the franchise?  

Why has George, who presided over the business swoon of the Palms Casino, become the man in charge of the Kings?  Was it always this way and we just didn't know?

You have to wonder what Joe and Gavin are thinking, but they hardly speak anymore.  Do they want the team to remain in Sacramento?  Sure seemed like it when they did their premature dance at midcourt with Kevin Johnson before the ill-fated Sacramento arena deal exploded in a gory mess.

It's not too late for the boys to make a stand.  

It's not too late to turn this slow-motion community tragedy into a momentous victory for a city that has given its life blood to a franchise for 25 years.

It's not too late to regain your reputation.

Tell George to step aside.

Go back to Mayor Johnson and make a deal.

This is your team.

Act like it.

Make it happen.