Friday, January 7, 2011

Revealed: Top secret and embarrassing cost-cutting efforts by the Sacramento Kings

With talk of the Palms Casino in financial trouble, it's no surprise that the Kings are looking at all types of methods to save money.

Thanks to an insider in the organization, Kings Talking Points has learned about some extremely serious measures currently being implemented or considered by the team.

Have a look:

Heating bills have gone through the roof in recent months. Kings players have been ordered to share showers to save on hot water. Sam Dalembert and Pooh Jeter enjoy their time together, although Jeter usually just gets only drippings when he stands beneath the big man.

Maintenance workers have been told to remove the giant "O" from Arco on the side of the building to save on electrical costs. "Arc Arena sounds cooler," Gavin Maloof allegedly said. "And nobody likes gas companies these days, anyway. Screw 'em."

Grant Napear allegedly threw a fit when the Kings told him his salary would be cut. Napear said he would reduce his use of silly hyperbole if he could keep his pay at the same level, but Joe Maloof allegedly told him "If you don't like that, you don't like semi-bankrupt, cut-rate, cost-cutting, cheapo franchises."

Uniform washing was reduced in November. The players only get freshly laundered uniforms after victories. A recent 8-game losing streak resulted in an awful stench wafting through the arena. One Kings dancer fainted and was carried off the court in a wheelbarrow. The stretcher had been sold on Ebay.

Kings president of basketball operations Geoff Petrie was ordered to dump salaries at every turn. He currently has ads on Craigslist in 20 NBA cities offering Carl Landry to any team in exchange for a Starbucks gift card.

Slamson was told that his t-shirt cannon was being confiscated. The depressed Lion sulked for three days before rollerblading into a concrete wall in total despair.

Finally, souvenir quality will soon take a serious dip. Official Kings jerseys will be made of burlap. And shockingly, we were informed that all autographed items in recent months were actually signed by a young slacker named Lil Jacob, who is spending untold hours in the bowels of Arc Arena with a dull Sharpie.