Thursday, July 3, 2014

The Secret Transcript from the Kings War Room That Will Shock You

A shocking video was slipped to me this morning. It was secretly recorded inside the Kings war room yesterday.

Nobody in the media has seen it yet, but the scene is quite illuminating and helps to unravel the continuing mystery around the team's relationship with free agent point guard Isaiah Thomas.  My source told me it was filmed by Grantland, but was confiscated by the Kings soon after shooting.

Those in the video include GM Pete D'Alessandro, owner Vivek Ranadive, team advisor Chris Mullin and a team of crowd-sourcing analytics experts.

Here for you is the raw transcript:

D'Alessandro:  "Okay, give me everything you guys got on Collison."

Overweight Analytic Nerd in Checkered Shirt: "According to my calculations, the guy does really well every two years when the starter goes down for 10 games or less"

Vivek (nodding):  "Interesting"

Sad Sack Analytic Nerd:  "It's quite extraordinary.  Collison is below average for 93 percent of the time, but when he starts, he becomes fairly non-mediocre."

Vivek: "Wow."

Mullin: "But doesn't Isaiah put up great numbers all the time as a starter"

Vivek (glaring at Mullin): "Tell him, Pete"

D'Alessandro: He's short"

Mullin: "Yeah, but-"

Very Skinny Analytic Nerd: "Teams with starting point guards below 5-foot-10 only have a 13.8 percent chance of making the playoffs based on a 25-year rolling average."

Vivek (nodding again): "Plus, Collison will only cost us $5 million a year.  Isaiah wants to be paid like he's Carl Landry or something."

D'Allessandro: "And Isaiah is short"

Token Minority Analytic Nerd: "We discovered that although Isaiah had comparable numbers to young superstar point guard Kyrie Irving, we had to adjust Isaiah's numbers downward because he just doesn't make enough plays for his teammates."

Mullin (muttering under his breath):  "Maybe his teammates suck."

Vivek: "What?"

Mullin: "I mean, would you pass to Ben McLemore?  The guy is more likely to hit the side of the backboard.  And Travis Outlaw?  Or Jason Thompson? Geez."

D'Allesandro:  "We are changing the team's culture.  We don't want as many gunners.  We need to move the ball."

Mullin:  Wait a second.  We just drafted Nik Stauskas.  Are you telling me we drafted the best shooter in the draft so he could pass more?

Vivek (angrily):  "You're excused, Chris."

Mullin stares at Vivek, than tosses a glance at D'Allesandro:  "Really?"

D'Allesandro shrugs.  Mullin exits.

Hunched-Over Analytic Guy: "We calculate that losing Isaiah Thomas will only cost the Pizza Guys franchises a mere 5 percent loss in total business, mostly affecting their sausage and meat-lovers varieties"

Vivek (now beaming and proud): "I love you guys.  This is why we are Kings 3.0."

Mullin pokes his head in the door: "You can't buy heart.  You want Isaiah on the Pistons?  Or the Lakers, for God's sakes?"

Vivek: "Somebody lock the door"