Second Annual Fire Paul Westphal Extravaganza...with added Fire Geoff Petrie Special

Hello, Kings fans, thank for joining us today at our second annual "Fire Paul Westphal Extravaganza."

It's a joyful time of the year when we take stock of the hometown team and realize that, oops, not only has Geoff Petrie assembled a dysfunctional array of talent, but that coach Paul Westphal is absolutely clueless about what to do with them.

Last year, after six games, we decided that Westphal was awful.

This year, it only took three games to bring back the dreary truth:  The man has not established an offense or a defense, nor has he instilled any sense of teamwork or cohesion.

Bill Simmons, ESPN's Sports Guy, tweeted the honest truth Thursday night:

Bill Simmons @sportsguy3313h

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Sacramento needs to change its name this year to the Sacramento Black Holes. Every Kings assist is an accident. Strangely fun to watch.

Now it might be fun for Bill, but it's torture for Kings fans.

Our humble suggestion:  Clean house.  The whole house, including the overrated Geoff Petrie, who has lived for more than a decade on the trade for Chris Webber.

He has assembled a dreadful mix of players.  Look at his acquisitions since last season:

John Salmons?  Ball-stopping re-tread who shouldn't be starting, much less even playing 10 minutes a game.

Travis Outlaw?  Huh?

J.J. Hickson:  Undisciplined power player who doesn't defend.

Chuck Hayes: Glue guy with little athletic ability but nice to have in the locker room.

There has never been such a collection of me-first players in Sacramento history.  Everybody wants their points.  Everybody wants the ball.  Nobody gets back on defense. Nobody communicates on defense.

The solution:

FIRE PAUL WESTPHAL.

FIRE GEOFF PETRIE.

(oh, and please, trade Tyreke already)

Okay, I know what you're thinking.   That's chaos.  You can't just blow it up like that.  The Kings would just be starting from scratch again.

Uh, YUP.  

Because it ain't working.  Hasn't worked in more than 7 years.  And there is no sign that it's about to work.

Geoff Petrie has been getting a free ride for too long.  His decisions have been suspect at best.  There are an array of young GMs around the league who consistently make better moves.

Petrie must go.  Today.

Westphal must go.  Today.

Time for Joe and Gavin Maloof to show their frustration and pull the trigger.

Fundamentally, Kings are awful

Lets see. The Kings can't make free throws. They get beaten in transition way too easily. They have no idea how to run a break. The offensive sets are non-existent.

 Can you say "fundamentally pathetic?" I can.

This is not about talent. Fundamentals are instilled with discipline by a good coach. They are something you can rely on when things get tough.

Right now, the Kings rely on one-on-one play and three-point shooting when times get tough. Sometimes that works, mostly it doesn't.

 Does anyone notice in the Kings' front office? Anyone?

Oh, and by the way, trade Tyreke Evans before his stock continues to plummet. The guy plays like a horse with blinders on, completely unable to see his teammates on the court.

Trade Tyreke Evans today. It's the right thing to do.

So let's see where we are after the most pivotal free-agent/trading period in Kings history.

Nowhere.

That's right.  Absolutely nowhere.

After years of pointing to this season as the year for big deals and big trades and free-agent signings, the Kings find themselves in possibly worse position than they were a year ago.

They have no point guard.  In fact, they have nobody with even an inkling of how to distribute.

They have no shot blocker, unless they can somehow convince Samuel Dalembert to return to the fold.  Which also means they have no defense.  J.J. Hickson is not considered a strong defensive player.  DeMarcus Cousins was a disaster on defense last year.  And those two, ladies and gentlemen, are the team's big-man stoppers.

They have no small forward.  At least no small forward that can take the team to the next level.  John Salmons?  Please.  Still one of the worst transactions in recent NBA history.

Now the Chuck Hayes tragedy was certainly not the team's fault, but let's face it:  Hayes wasn't going to turn the team into contenders.  He would have been a nice piece and a fan favorite, but he wasn't going to change the team's fortunes.

So what to do now?

Well, there's only one thing you can do.

TRADE TYREKE EVANS.

Trade him today.  Before he turns his next ankle.  Before he bullrushes into the lane again to throw up another ill-advised runner.  Before he ignores his teammates on fast breaks.  Before people in the league begin to figure out he's not really as good as his rookie hype.

Get me a point guard with skills.  Someone who can set up Jimmer and Thornton.  Get me a big man who will have opponents thinking twice in the lane.

Here's one target: How about Rajon Rondo of the Celtics.  Boston has been trying to move him for the last month.  He'd be perfect for the Kings.

This team, as currently constructed, is headed for disaster.  In fact, I have no idea what Geoff Petrie is thinking. Even in the land of the Timberwolves, they have assembled a team that actually makes sense.  Love. Rubio. Johnson.  That's a nice foundation.  The pieces are beginning to come together.

Here, in the land of the Kings,  Petrie has put together a no-defense team of chuckers.

It's sad, really.

And I don't expect it to get much better.

Unless, of course, I hear some juicy Tyreke rumors.

Nothing's changed: Too many gunners, not enough passing or defense for Kings.

Things we learned after a trivial, meaningless preseason game:

-- Somebody needs to tell J.J. Hickson that the lockout is over.

--Jason Thompson still plays like a rookie.

--Stephen Curry is better than Tyreke Evans.

--Jimmer Fredette flashed a little of his college magic, but he has a long way to go to prove he's not a one-dimensional player.

--Marcus Thornton still likes to gun.

--There is absolutely no way the Kings can be a winning team with Evans, Fredette and Thornton and no distributor.  It is a lost cause and nobody can convince me otherwise.

--Hassan Whiteside needs to start apartment shopping in D-League cities.

--The Kings need to put in an urgent call to Samuel Dalembert.

Kings acquire Paul in blockbuster deal

In the blockbuster to end all blockbusters, the Sacramento Kings acquired Ron Paul in a deal for three No. 1 picks, Hassan Whiteside and the unlimited use of a suite at the Palms.

Paul, at 5-foot-6, was the target of  the team for the last month.

"Feels great," said Paul, who doesn't think his advanced age will hurt his play. "I believe in less coaching interference, more freedom for players, and legalizing performance enhancing drugs"

The Kings figure to use Paul as both a point guard and team spokesman.  "He a little ornery and keeps mumbling about keeping our noses out of Iran," said Petrie, "but the guy's got skills."

Tyreke Evans was shocked by the announcement. "Ron Paul,?" he asked, "Who the hell is Ron Paul?"

The move will shake up the Western Conference, as well as the Republican primary.  Paul will need to take off two games during the next month for debates.   "I can do both," Paul said.  "I'm in great shape.  And Newt is just plain fat.   He can't handle my moves.  Romney's an athlete, though.  I think from all the flip-floppin."

NBA commissioner David Stern loves the deal.  He called it a victory for small-market teams.

At the press conference, Paul tried on the new Kings black jersey, strutting around the practice facility before slightly straining a groin muscle while bending down to pick up a campaign button.

Joe Maloof was beaming. "I knew we'd land Paul," he shouted to no one in particular. "The glory days are back."

Asking NBA Commissioner David Stern to rescind the John Salmons trade

Petition to David Stern


Order of business: Revoking of past trade.


Remedy requested: Exile of John Salmons to beyond city limits.

Mr Stern,

As representative for the organization, Kings Fans With A Grudge, we petition the National Basketball Association to rescind the following trade:

Beno Udrih and the No. 7 pick to Milwaukee for John Salmons and the No. 10 pick, which turned out to be Jimmer Fredette.

This trade undermines the very fabric of fan enthusiasm in Sacramento.  The acquisition of the dour, me-first, pass-last, ball-stopping Salmons was easily one of the stupidest moves in recent Kings history.

It is for this reason, we ask you, Oh Mighty Commissioner, to revoke this trade with all your powers.

You have shown an extremely large set of balls over the past 24 hours and we believe these huge sexual organs will make it easy for you to send Mr. Salmons back to the Bucks.  And please send back Beno.

By the way, we'll keep Jimmer.

Thank you in advance.

Time for Kings to put up or shut up

Chuck Hayes?

Really?

That's the best we're gonna do?

Well, it ain't good enough.  Not by a long shot.

Not if you've been listening to the propaganda drivel spewed by this franchise over the past five years.  They've been waiting for this chance.  Waiting to spend.

Yes, I know Sacramento is a small-market with little or no appeal to the NBA's big names.

But now there is no excuse not to spend.  In fact, the dirt-poor Maloofs have to spend.  And that means they are going to have to do one of two things:

One:  Offer a max deal with stupid, silly money for either Tyson Chandler or Marc Gasol, hoping to make a big splash and possibly getting lucky.

Two:  Make a blockbuster trade.

I vote for the second option, mainly because the Kings have some talented players that are highly coveted around the league.

I'd trade DeMarcus Cousins or Tyreke Evans in a second if I could bring back some upper-crust valuable win-now talent.   I'm not convinced either player is a team player.  And Sacramento fans don't have another four years to watch them develop.  After all, the team could be in Anaheim by this time next December.

It's time to win now.  Like this minute.  This season.

Get me some unselfish ballers.  Some veterans.  Some winners.

Countdown to Kings events you absolutely know are coming

Okay, the season is about to begin, but Kings fans don't have to worry about how things will play out.  We here at Kings Talking Points already know...

So circle your calendars and watch for these noteworthy events:

7 DAYS until...

We hear that Donte Greene is a new man.  In perfect shape.  His shot looking fine.  Ready to become a huge contributor.

10 DAYS until...

Tyreke Evans turns his ankle in practice.  Officials announce he's day-to-day.  The trainer talks about alternative therapies.  Evans limps through the rest of the season.

24 DAYS until...

Donte Greene airballs three straight shots and disappears for a 10-minute stretch during a pivotal point in the game.  Westphal sits Greene for the next five games.

33 DAYS until...

We realize that absolutely nobody on this team wants to pass the ball.  Selfishness prevails.  Assists are non-existent.  And Geoff Petries realizes that, oops, they should've actually found a true point guard.

45 DAYS until...

DeMarcus Cousins enjoys his first full-blown meltdown of the season, glaring at his teammates and coach after getting tossed out of the game for whining at an official.  In the locker room, Cousins acts contrite and proclaims he's matured.

60 DAYS until...

Sacramento's attempt at getting an arena officially fizzles and we realize that this is really the last season of pro basketball in Sacramento.

72 DAYS until...

The Kings fire Paul Westphal when they discover he's installed a worthless offense and a clueless defense.

87 DAYS until...

Jimmer Fredette takes control of the team and makes it his own, giving the Kings a leader for the first time in ages.  Evans sulks and eventually....

96 DAYS until...

Evans is dealt in a blockbuster trade.

122 DAYS until...

The team, under a new coach and instilled with new confidence, begins to win games and open eyes around the league

146 DAYS until...

The season winds down in a mix of renewed enthusiasm and a hail of despair.