Thursday, January 24, 2013

Report: Every Billionaire in the World Wants to Buy the Kings

According to very reliable sources, every billionaire in the world wants to own the Sacramento Kings.

Every single person on the Forbes Magazine billionaire list wants in badly, including Carlos Slim Helu, Bill Gates, Warren Buffet, Bernand Arnault,  Amancio Ortega and Larry Ellison. All have more money than God.

"Who doesn't want to own the Kings?" Buffet said, sporting a purple Jimmer jersey. "I watch every game and, even though I don't agree with Keith Smart's rotations, they are a compelling team to watch."

Bill Gates has been eyeing Sacramento for years. "I once thought about Elk Grove as the new home for Microsoft, but I couldn't get a good deal.  Now I'm willing to risk every cent of my fortune to make Sacramento my new base of operations."

The business world was shocked by the sudden influx of interest from the billionaires.  The big-money players are pushing out lesser ones. One Saudi sheik, worth $950 million, told one local reporter: "Too rich for my blood."

Wall Street investors say buying the Kings could be a hugely profitable move. "I just saw a report cross my desk that said owning the Kings is like printing money,"  said one employee at Merrill Lynch.  "Look at the Maloofs.  Those guys are rich as hell.  At least that's what my friend told me."

The mad rush to buy the Kings shows no signs of slowing down.

"Who doesn't want to have courtside seats to watch Travis Outlaw," howled an elated Ellison.  "All my friends are gonna be jealous as hell when I own this squad."

Sacramento Mayor Kevin Johnson is set to call a press conference to introduce the billionaires.

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

The Untold, Kinda Real Story Behind the Name "HereWeBuy"

The HereWeBuy movement has begun in Sacramento, thanks to local Kings supporter Carmichael Dave, who hatched the idea and helped develop a website that has captured the attention of the city. (See

Thousands of fans have pledged to buy season tickets on the site in hopes it will only boost the city in the eyes of the NBA.

Yet the slogan, "HereWeBuy," was not the first choice of many involved in the project.  It was only chosen after careful consideration and many hours of deliberation.

So what were the other suggestions?

Well, thanks to some inside information, we share them with you:

#HereWeBurkle: Huge favorite early, but then tossed aside because it was considered too specific.  Also considered: #HereWeCarlsen, #HearWeJiffyLube and #HearWeMastrov.  Not considered: #HereWeWeinersnitchel

#HereWeNapear: This lost by a close vote, but was eliminated when Carmichael Dave was unable to secure the rights to use Grant's name from long-lost love Don Geronimo.

#HereWeRemainAThornInTheSideOfTheMaloofsUntilTheyTakeTheirBrokeAssButtsAndGetOutOfTown:  Almost made the final cut but was considered a tad long and, ultimately, too hard to fit on a t-shirt.

#HereWeLingerHopelessly: Slightly depressing idea offered by a group of apathetic fans who wanted to get involved but felt it was too much of a bother.  It was given the early heave-ho.

#HereWeSpayAndNeuter:  Suggestion was slipped in by a local SPCA booster and Kings season ticket holder.  He was quickly shown the door and asked to pick up after his unruly beagle.

#HereWeBlowedUpAnySeattleDealRealGood: Carmichael Dave, a long-time fan of SCTV, was rooting for this one but nobody knew what he was talking about, despite referencing the video below:

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Shocker: Kings post team for sale on ebay!

The Kings are for sale.  And it's finally public knowledge.

But just how public is this knowledge?

Very public.

You see, much to our surprise, the Kings owners have shockingly decided to list the team on  It makes sense.  What better place to get the money you so richly deserve?

It took us awhile, but we finally found the listing -- and it's mighty interesting.

First off, they've listed it for a Buy It Now price of $499 million.  That seemed like a genuine bargain until I scrolled down a bit and noticed that they also wanted $120 million for shipping and handling.

Too steep for my blood.  I'm a sucker for Free Shipping and this just seemed a little overpriced.

The seller -- some guy named MaloofusYou2013 located in Natomas -- posted a fairly compelling description of the sale item.

Here it is:

One-of-a-kind professional sports franchise in gently used condition.   Bid now for a chance to become part of an elite group of team owners.  Team is completely mobile.  Can move anywhere.  Or you can stay put and deal with the cowbell ringers and cocky mayor in this one-horse town.

Item comes complete with set of 12 life-sized professional basketball players.  Set includes one extra-large surly fellow with a lot of talent, one extra small former college sensation who has an interesting first name,  and one former rookie-of-the-year (could have some slight physical defects).  A number of players who seem to lack any ability at all are included to complete the set. 

The product comes with a full coaching staff, although we make no guarantees on their basketball knowledge or their ability to help your set of life-sized players in any way, shape or form.

As an option, we also offer a vice president who is slightly comatose, does not change expression, and was once was considered a genius (that probably no longer applies). 

Please, only bidders with legitimate credentials and big bank.  No wanna-be's, Jersey Shore types, or anyone with the last name Burkle.

All sales are final.  Unless we decide to change our minds at the last minute.

Good luck and good bidding!