Thursday, January 24, 2013

Report: Every Billionaire in the World Wants to Buy the Kings

According to very reliable sources, every billionaire in the world wants to own the Sacramento Kings.

Every single person on the Forbes Magazine billionaire list wants in badly, including Carlos Slim Helu, Bill Gates, Warren Buffet, Bernand Arnault,  Amancio Ortega and Larry Ellison. All have more money than God.

"Who doesn't want to own the Kings?" Buffet said, sporting a purple Jimmer jersey. "I watch every game and, even though I don't agree with Keith Smart's rotations, they are a compelling team to watch."

Bill Gates has been eyeing Sacramento for years. "I once thought about Elk Grove as the new home for Microsoft, but I couldn't get a good deal.  Now I'm willing to risk every cent of my fortune to make Sacramento my new base of operations."

The business world was shocked by the sudden influx of interest from the billionaires.  The big-money players are pushing out lesser ones. One Saudi sheik, worth $950 million, told one local reporter: "Too rich for my blood."

Wall Street investors say buying the Kings could be a hugely profitable move. "I just saw a report cross my desk that said owning the Kings is like printing money,"  said one employee at Merrill Lynch.  "Look at the Maloofs.  Those guys are rich as hell.  At least that's what my friend told me."

The mad rush to buy the Kings shows no signs of slowing down.

"Who doesn't want to have courtside seats to watch Travis Outlaw," howled an elated Ellison.  "All my friends are gonna be jealous as hell when I own this squad."

Sacramento Mayor Kevin Johnson is set to call a press conference to introduce the billionaires.

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