Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Grotesque, loathsome, repugnant and other words to describe the Kings

Kings fans, are you exhausted just trying to come up with the proper adjective to describe you favorite basketball team?

Well, fret no longer.  As a public service, we are providing a list of descriptive words that easily serve to represent your feelings for the current team.

Appallingawfulbad-looking, beastly,deformed, disfigured, foul
frightful, grisly,grossgrotesquehard-featured, hideous,homely,
 horridill-favored, loathsome,misshapen, monstrousplain,
repelling, repugnantrepulsiverevolting.

Much thanks to

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Kings fans deserve better than this sad, pathetic franchise

Take this team and shove it.

That should be the attitude of Kings fans across Sacramento.

And those sentiments should be directed toward the unholy trio of Gavin and Joe Maloof, and their mild-mannered butler Geoff Petrie.

There are no more excuses for this paltry and pathetic assemblage of talent.  High draft picks, salary cap room, and a reported "genius" in the front office have landed the team in the cellar again.

It's embarassing.  It's unacceptable.  And nobody is screaming about it.  Are the Maloofs raising holy hell?  Are they holding Petrie accountable for this disaster? Or do they care anymore? Maybe they're just counting the days until the moving trucks arrive.

The Kings are a boarded-up bank repo.  Once grand and now in awful disrepair.

It's a shame.  The franchise with the most loyal fanbase in the NBA has put together an incredibly unlikeable team.  Selfish, immature, seemingly incapable of arousing even a hint of teamwork.

The worst part?  There's probably nothing that can be done.  Petrie still thinks he's sitting on a gold mine of talent.  There seems to be no pressure to make any big moves.

And the Maloofs, the league's former golden boys, just sit silently by, staring at their empty wallets, becoming increasing irrelevant with each passing minute.

Friday, January 13, 2012

It's official: The John Salmons trade is the worst in NBA history

Geoff Petrie owes all Kings fans an apology.

A nice little note would be perfect.

Maybe some flowers.

But he needs to do something because we are forced to watch the immensely uninspiring play of Mr. John Salmons this season.

Why did the Kings trade for this guy?  Why?

I knew it was gonna be bad on draft day.

Let's go back read my words from that fateful day...

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Forget Jimmer. Isaiah Thomas is the team's new starting point guard

Ladies and gentleman, your new starting point guard for the Sacramento Kings...

Isaiah Thomas.

If the diminutive point guard can continue to play with even half the court vision, confidence and overall poise he showed against Toronto on Wednesday night, there is absolutely no reason he shouldn't be the team's starting point.

Right now.  And for the forseeable future.

The kid's got moxie.  Nobody on the team sees the floor like this kid.  Not Tyreke.  Not Marcus.  And not Jimmer.

He provided more easy baskets for DeMarcus Cousins than we've seen all season.  And Lord nows this team needs easy baskets.

So take a seat, Mr. Fredette, you're good for 5 or 10 minutes a game.  That's it.  Thomas is the rookie the watch.

He's small, but he plays big.

Let the Isaiah era begin.


Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Maloofs can't be this stupid. can they?

So how is it possible that the formerly rich Maloof brothers can't see the giant poop stain sitting in front of their courtside seats?

How is it possible that every Kings fan wants to see coach Paul Westphal shoved out the door yet the Brothers Grim are blind?

How is it possible that the team owners who promised to move heaven and earth and spend like crazy in an attempt to improve the team are still near the league minimum in team salary?

How is it possible that those wacky brothers have not told Geoff Petrie to use his supposed creative genius to craft a deal for a veteran star talent?

How is it possible that Gavin and Joe can't see that the current squad is so unlikable and plays such a selfish, uninspiring brand of basketball that the arena will be empty in a matter in months?

How do these Two Blundering Blokes not see that Tyreke Evans and DeMarcus Cousins have been mismanaged so badly that the team's coaches should be charged with basketball malpractice?

Well, here's the answer...

They know all those things.  Every one of them.

But they are not going to do a thing.

Not for at least two more months.

I hope I'm wrong, but their only strategy seems to be the stall.  And the stall is meant to kill enthusiasm.  And to kill fan interest.  And to show David Stern that they were right last year...

That the team belongs in Anaheim... where a pot of gold awaits.

Even if the city comes up with a viable arena deal, the Maloofs can argue the terms, balk at the rental fees, and crumble it.

Some argue it's out of the Maloofs' hands.  That it will be Stern's call.  I don't buy it.

Prove me wrong, Maloofs.  I'd be more than happy to admit it.

Make a move.  Make two moves.  Show some guts.  Spend some money.  Make a league-shattering deal.  Bring in a top coach.

C'mon, Maloofs, I dare you.

Because it ain't gonna happen.

Monday, January 2, 2012

Revealed: The secret first draft of Westphal's statement on DeMarcus Cousins

You've probably seen the statement on DeMarcus Cousins from Paul Westphal on Sunday night.

This is how it read:

“Whenever a new season begins, in any sport, there is great hope that everything will progress in only a steady, upward direction. As we all know, it seldom happens like that in this life!
As coaches, we can only ask that our players do everything they can to improve themselves as individuals and teammates. If they do this with all their hearts, we live with the results.
Everything that happens on a team does not become known to the public. This is how it should be. However, when a player continually, aggressively, lets it be known that he is unwilling/unable to embrace traveling in the same direction as his team, it cannot be ignored indefinitely.
DeMarcus Cousins has demanded to be traded. In the best interest of our team as we go forward, he has been directed by me, with the support of management, to stay home from the New Orleans game tonight.”

What you probably didn't see was the first draft of the statement.  Kings Talking Points was privately slipped the alleged First Draft by a member of the Kings organization on Monday.  For reasons unknown, this draft was not allowed to go public.  Here it is.  You read it and decide.

“In the course of human history, we sometimes cross paths with a fellow so heinous, so destructive, so downright gangsta, we must give pause to ponder not only the fate of the Sacramento Kings, but the fate of the world.  When a player refuses to run my spectacular offense and grimaces when I ask him if he ever saw "The Shawshank Redemption,"  I know there is a problem.  

"Mr. Cousins has shown an unwillingness to address me with respect.  In fact, he has repeatedly called me names such as 'dumb-ass' and 'Mr. West-Fail."  This, of course, in unacceptable.
"DeMarcus Cousins demands not only a trade, but he also demands that I politely embrace him and pat him gently when he is removed from the game.  He also wants me to hold his water bottle during timeouts.  The water bottle thing is a joke, I believe, although I have no problem patting him. 

"As coach of the Sacramento Kings for at least the next week (maybe longer if I can convince the brilliant management team that this whole crapfest is not my fault), I need to lay down the law.  I call it Paul's Law and it is based on Talmudic readings.  Everyone shall follow it.  It is written.

"It is in the best interest of my personal career the Sacramento Kings that we ask DeMarcus to stay as far away from the arena as humanly possible.  I have asked him to stay in Yuba City at the Best Western (breakfast is free).

All the best,

With much love,

Paul Westphal
Sacramento Kings coach

Sunday, January 1, 2012

Cousins wants a trade? Trade him. Trade everyone.

If DeMarcus Cousins wants a trade, I say trade him.

And trade Tyreke Evans, too.

And fire Paul Westphal.

And Geoff Petrie.

Hell, that usher in Section 116 needs to go, too.

Can the Maloofs fire themselves?

All hell has broken loose in Kings Land and we're not even a week in.  How much fun is this?

The Maloofs are getting exactly what they deserve.  An egomaniacal group of self-centered players and a coach who has no idea how to get them to behave.

This is the team they have assembled.  These are the type of players Petrie has been directed to acquire.  Style over substance.

Take Jimmer Fredette.  The guy has no business getting more than 10 minutes a game right now.  He does not now how to run an offense.  He can't play even a lick of defense.  And his ball-handling skills are mediocre at best.  But the Maloofs saw a quick way to make a buck by taking advantage of Jimmer mania.

Two years ago, they forcefed Tyreke Evans into thinking he was Kobe.  He was never coached.  Still hasn't been coached.  And the results are evident.

Last year, the team drafted DeMarcus Cousins and prayed he wouldn't detonate.  A year later, the bomb has gone off and the fallout is all over the franchise.

The Kings have become radioactive.   Call in the Haz-Mat Team.

It's a hopeless assemblage.  And it needs to be dismantled before more fans bleed from the team and the chances for an arena are eradicated completely.

Start from scratch right now.  There's nothing to lose.  The team can't go backwards.  They are stuck in reverse against a concrete wall.