Monday, January 2, 2012

Revealed: The secret first draft of Westphal's statement on DeMarcus Cousins

You've probably seen the statement on DeMarcus Cousins from Paul Westphal on Sunday night.

This is how it read:

“Whenever a new season begins, in any sport, there is great hope that everything will progress in only a steady, upward direction. As we all know, it seldom happens like that in this life!
As coaches, we can only ask that our players do everything they can to improve themselves as individuals and teammates. If they do this with all their hearts, we live with the results.
Everything that happens on a team does not become known to the public. This is how it should be. However, when a player continually, aggressively, lets it be known that he is unwilling/unable to embrace traveling in the same direction as his team, it cannot be ignored indefinitely.
DeMarcus Cousins has demanded to be traded. In the best interest of our team as we go forward, he has been directed by me, with the support of management, to stay home from the New Orleans game tonight.”

What you probably didn't see was the first draft of the statement.  Kings Talking Points was privately slipped the alleged First Draft by a member of the Kings organization on Monday.  For reasons unknown, this draft was not allowed to go public.  Here it is.  You read it and decide.

“In the course of human history, we sometimes cross paths with a fellow so heinous, so destructive, so downright gangsta, we must give pause to ponder not only the fate of the Sacramento Kings, but the fate of the world.  When a player refuses to run my spectacular offense and grimaces when I ask him if he ever saw "The Shawshank Redemption,"  I know there is a problem.  

"Mr. Cousins has shown an unwillingness to address me with respect.  In fact, he has repeatedly called me names such as 'dumb-ass' and 'Mr. West-Fail."  This, of course, in unacceptable.
"DeMarcus Cousins demands not only a trade, but he also demands that I politely embrace him and pat him gently when he is removed from the game.  He also wants me to hold his water bottle during timeouts.  The water bottle thing is a joke, I believe, although I have no problem patting him. 


"As coach of the Sacramento Kings for at least the next week (maybe longer if I can convince the brilliant management team that this whole crapfest is not my fault), I need to lay down the law.  I call it Paul's Law and it is based on Talmudic readings.  Everyone shall follow it.  It is written.


"It is in the best interest of my personal career the Sacramento Kings that we ask DeMarcus to stay as far away from the arena as humanly possible.  I have asked him to stay in Yuba City at the Best Western (breakfast is free).


All the best,

With much love,

Paul Westphal
Sacramento Kings coach





2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Gangsta'? Was Demarcus doing drive by's and I didn't it. What an idiot you are. So sorry I found your blog.

Ron Wenig said...

Uh, it's called satire.