Friday, March 30, 2012

Maloofs balk at paying for toilet paper in new arena

Thanks to a close confidant who slipped me an unmarked envelope outside of the Arby's in Vacaville last night, I can reveal the alleged contents of a secret memo sent by George Maloofs to his brothers Joe and Gavin.

This explosive memo outlines the team's financial concerns over the new arena deal. Here are the alleged highlights:

--Why on earth should we foot the bill for toilet paper in the new building's bathrooms? This is just silly. That's expensive, especially considering all the gastro-intestinal problems our fans suffer because of our Kings dogs. Ask KJ to spring for the TP.

--There is no way we are paying for somebody to design the stinking arena. How hard can it be? I'll get one of my cocktail waitresses from the Palms to do it. I know this one girl who almost has her graphic arts degree from this really great community college near Pahrump. She'll do it as a favor to me.

--Should we really be paying any rent at all? Anaheim says they'll let us play there for chicken feed. They love us. If we keep raising a stink, I'm sure we can make this pesky deal go away. And I can handle Stern, believe me. He might be short and muscular, but I'm frizzy haired and half nuts.

--Looks like that cocky mayor wants us to provide ushers, security and safety lighting during games. He's gone too far. This is just outrageous. We never agreed to any of this. One more demand and we are done. Period. I mean it. No, really. We are Maloofs, not suckers. You can't expect us to pay for everything.

--Just got a note from the league. They want us to pay the salaries of Travis Outlaw, John Salmons, Francisco Garcia and Chuck Hayes. Hell no. That's Petrie's mess. Send him the damn bill.