Saturday, December 14, 2013

The Danger of Not Tearing It Down

The Kings have been in purgatory for a decade.

After a tantalizing stretch of marvelous talent and playoff appearances, the Kings haven't been relevant since the early years of George W. Bush.

And now they've seemingly missed the window again to turn the corner.

Geoff Petrie attempted to rebuild the team on the fly, adding the likes of Brad Miller and Ron Artest, but it was the equivalent of rubbing dirt on a gaping wound.

The team tried coach after coach after coach, none of whom had the ability to take a team utterly lacking in talent and making it seem, well, competent.

The Maloofs finally tapped out around 2008, their bank account drained by bad casino decisions.  From then, it was bargain-basement rebuilding.

Which brings us to 2013, new owner Vivek Ranadive, and this year's frustrating assemblage of mismatched parts

New owners have a tough time being patient and Ranadive is no different.  He wants results on the floor.

In the last three weeks, the Kings made two big moves.

They traded their top defender for former No. 2 draft stud Derrick Williams, an enigmatic player without an apparent position who stands to make $6 million next season.  Can he make a difference?  Maybe.  But he's exactly the wrong type of player for the Kings.  Bad three-point shooter.  Undersized.  Lacking in defensive skills.

Then the team dealt for Rudy Gay, a no-doubt talented player whose shooting skills have vastly deteriorated over the past two seasons.  He'll be owed close to $20 million next season, but the bigger question is this:  If Gay does manage to revitalize his career with the Kings, it's gonna be a tough sell to keep him in Sacramento. ln other words, it's a bad gamble with little upside for the Kings past next year.

So what should the alternative have been?

Just look at Boston.

Danny Ainge completely tore it down.  Selling off assets for draft picks.  Positioning the team for future cap space.  Drafting solid young talent.  

The Kings should have torn it down.  To the studs.

Right now, the team is awful.  The defense is embarrassingly shoddy, starting with DeMarcus Cousins, who has yet to learn how to defend a pick-and-roll, to Ben McLemore, who looks so completely lost you want to hand him a map.

Isaiah Thomas is the team's heart and soul, but he rarely gets his teammates involved, a sin for a squad that is comprised of me-first shooters.  Marcus Thornton still thinks its the off-season.
Jason Thompson has regressed badly.  And the rest of the team, except Gay, is comprised of second-tier talent at best.

Then there's coach Mike Malone, who is still in his honeymoon period. Unfortunately, he doesn't seem to have any answers. 

Will they get better?  Probably marginally.  Maybe enough to drop their draft position to 10 or 11, which is not where you want to be in a year with perhaps the best selection of college talent ever.  If they drop past 12, they lose the pick entirely (to Cleveland), thanks to Petrie's awful deal for J.J. Hickson a few years back.

So that leaves the Kings in an awful position, doomed to rise to utter mediocrity and tread water for the next three or four years.

If it was my call, I would have hacked it to bits.  Dealing every veteran player.  For draft picks.  Or young talent with a defensive mentality.  Anything but high-salaried players with questionable long-term help to the team.

Even Cousins should have been dealt.  Yes, I know he's got oodles of talent, but his on-court antics are impossible to ignore.  You wonder how his teammates put up with him.

It's too late now, I suppose.

Kings fans are stuck with this mismatched, overpaid, selfish collection of players.  Maybe they'll grow into something special.

I wouldn't hold my breath.

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Trading Cousins is the smartest path

Yup.  DeMarcus Cousins sure has matured.

He's gone from screeching baby to unhinged toddler.   All that talk about his growth just seems like an off-season Vivek Ranadive fever dream.  Cousins still seems eons away from harnessing his remarkable talent and putting it into something positive.

Tuesday night's game against the Hawks was a chilling example of his his flammable behavior.  In one two-minute span, he collected three fouls, glared ominously at officials, pushed an opponent in intimidating fashion, and just plain melted down before our eyes.

It wasn't pretty.  But it's something we've seen too many times before.

Cousins has the ability to be one of the best players in the NBA,  but he's not right now.  And with a lack of talent surrounding him - especially upfront - life is only going to get more frustrating for him.

Furthermore, his effect on his teammates is not productive.  They are completely deferential to him on offense, sometimes seemingly feeding him the ball to avoid an ugly stare.  During one timeout during his fourth-quarter flare-up.  rookie Ben McLemore looked at Cousins as if he was radioactive.  You get the feeling the Kings don't want to get on his bad side.  And can you blame them?

Cousins is the best teammate in the world when he's filling the stat sheet, but if things don't go his way -- and they don't more than half the time -- his attitude turns dark far too quickly. 

It might be the biggest mistake in the world, but I've been saying to trade him for two years.

My opinion hasn't changed.  I've witnessed some impressive efforts from Cousins.  He can dominate a game.  He is agile and strong and brimming with potential.   But the Kings can't depend on him because of his unstable behavior.

Pull the ripcord.  Get out now.  Send him to a talented, veteran team that can nurture him without having to make him the centerpiece.

You're crazy, you're thinking right now as you read this, didn't this team just hand the guy a huge, long-term deal.

Well, yes, they did.  And I don't expect them to change their minds this soon and deal him.  

But if the losses start piling up, it's only going to get worse.

Sooner or later, trading DeMarcus is going to be the best thing for him.  And for Sacramento.

Monday, July 8, 2013

A Monta Ellis signing would set back franchise four more years

The Kings supposedly want highly inefficient guard Monta Ellis.

Four questions:





This would easily be the stupidest move of any team in free agency.

The new regime wants ball movement and defense.  He brings none of that.  He is a ball dominant, me-first, shooting machine.  Been there. Done that.

Has Vivek Ranadive ever watched anyone play who didn't play for the Golden State Warriors?

Who's next?  Troy Murphy?

I want three qualities from my players: Intensity, maturity and unselfishness.  The Kings can't manage to find players with these qualities.  The Maloofs couldn't find them.  And now it seems like the new regime doesn't care either.

Just recently, it was reported that the ownership group marched down to the home of DeMarcus Cousins in Mobile, Alabama, to announce their undying devotion to him.

They want to build the franchise around him.

The most unstable player in the league.

Who has shown not an iota of evidence that he wants to change.

This is the new ownership group.  This is NBA 2.0.

The signing of Ellis is just a bad move. Plain and simple.

Don't do it.

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Royal advice: Don't max Iggy (they didn't), let Tyreke go (they're gonna), and deal DMC


Rumors are bubbling about that the Kings are mulling a max offer to free agent Andre Iguodala.

That's an awful idea. He's a nice player and would be a good fit on the Kings, but he NOT a max player.  Not by a long shot.

Update: Kings reportedly offered Iguodala $56 million over four years.  I think that's probably the most they can offer right now with their cap situation.

Update of the update: Kings took my advice.  Yanked offer.

One problem is his age.  He's 29.  For a guy who relies on athleticism, that's an ominous age for a long-term contract.

Read this.

The guy averaged 13 points and 5 rebounds last season.  He's extremely versatile and a lock-down defender, but a max contract should be about the future, not the past.  What will his game look like in years three and four of his contract when the team will be hoping to be a factor in the playoffs?

Signing Iggy would certainly help change the perception of the team and, yes, Sacramento has to overpay to get free agents, but not for this guy.

What free agents would I target?  I don't mind point guard Jose Calderon, who has already met with the team.  He should come at a good price.  Maybe Hawks point guard Jeff Teague, who might be more expensive.  And maybe a certain Timberwolves center (read below).

Maybe nobody.  You don't buy just to buy.


Tyreke Evans is looking at a big payday and the debate is raging over whether to match or not.

It shouldn't even be a question.

Did anyone watch Evans for the past two seasons?

Bum ankles, bad decisions, indifferent defense and awful shooting. Is that the kind of guy you reward with $11 or $12 million a year?

No way.  I'd be happy with prying point guard Greivas Vasquez from the Pelicans in a sign-and-trade.

Update: Yup, looks like Kings are taking my advice again.  Evans reportedly on his way out and Vasquez on his way in.  Nice job, Vivek,


So what to do?

I think you deal DeMarcus Cousins.  The guy is not a great teammate.  And it's very hard to root for him.  His surly, childish antics are irritating, to say the least.

Does he have potential to be great?  Oh, yes.  I saw him up close in the final game of the season and was startled by his ability to play a dominant all-around game.  It was easily the best he looked all year.

But he has some serious issues.  And, according to insiders, refuses to even think about getting help with those issues.  Maybe he gets his act together.  Or maybe he punches someone and gets suspended for half the season.  What are you betting on?

I think you can get some pretty nice pieces by dealing him, including a very high pick in next year's prized draft.

Yup, if you haven't guessed, I'm all about blowing up this jumbled mess of a team.

If the Kings were going to make a huge free-agent move, I'd try to do a poison-pill max deal to lure center Nic Pekovic from Minnesota.  It would take some creative financing, maybe an amnesty, and the Wolves would most likely match, but I'd try anyhow.

Then, with Pek onboard, I'd deal DMC.

I'd also like to see the Kings make strong moves to deal for Indiana forward Danny Granger, who is now available.

Or how about LaMarcus Aldridge up in Portland.

Your move, Mr. Ranadive.  Time to prove you're the smartest guy in the room.

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Will Ranadive be a patient owner? Don't bet on it.

There's a famous adage in the business world that goes like this: The formula for success is to under promise and over deliver.

I'd be willing to bet that new Kings owner Vivek Ranadive is a big proponent of this philosophy.  Here's what he said at the announcement of Mike Malone's hiring as the new Kings coach:

"It's a process. It's going to take a couple of years. Our success criteria aren't going to be wins and losses right off the bat."

That's called under promising.

And that's why I don't buy for a second that Ranadive is going to be patient when it comes to what happens on the court.  He will demand that his team over deliver.

How can we tell?

Well, with names like Larry Bird and R.C. Buford being tossed around, it's clear the Vivek wants to make a big splash instead of a bunch of little trickles.

Ranadive is smart. Very smart.  And he's very good at getting what he wants.

According to reports, he's very hands-on and he hates to lose.

That doesn't sound like a patient man to me.

This is gonna be fun.  Expect big moves.  Big trades.  Big signings.

And wins.

A lot sooner than you might think.

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Grading the major players in the Sacramento-Seattle duel to the death

The saga is close to over.  It looks like a happy ending for Sacramento.  So let's look at the major players in this death duel and grade them.  Grades are based on their power, instincts, and overall effectiveness:

Vivek Ranadive: Silicon Valley titan came out of nowhere to bring big bucks and a big brain to the ownership group.  His tech knowledge and ties to India made a difference. A

Kevin Johnson:  The Mayor put himself firmly in position to be the state's next governor with an over-the-top P.R. performance and the ability to bring together a coalition of heavy hitters.  A+

George Maloof: The failed casino owner pushed his older brothers, Joe and Gavin, aside and took control.  He did manage to wrangle an eye-popping offer from the Seattle group, but his obstinance to selling to Sacramento buyers will ruin his reputation forever.  No chance he'll be invited to Gold Rush Days anytime soon. D-

Joe and Gavin Maloof:  Missing in action.  The faces of the Kings ownership for the last decade went silent.  You have to believe that they weren't onboard totally with George's shenanigans.  C-

Carmichael Dave: If you were going to follow one person on Twitter, Super Dave was the one.  His relentless defense of the team, inside knowledge, and troll hunting made him a favorite for Kings fans with a need for solace.  My bet:  He's working for Ranadive in a year.  A

Chris Hansen: The impossibly rich face of the Seattle group had plenty of money but almost zero in terms of public relations skills.  He let Sacramento control the narrative, offering nothing to the hungry press.  He did manage to throw the occasional firecracker into the teapot by relentlessly upping his offer, but he didn't seem to understand where the NBA was headed. B-

David Stern: The NBA puppeteer, er, commissioner basically held Sacramento's hand and waltzed them down the aisle, much to chagrin of Seattle fans.  What were his motives?  Does he hate Seattle?  Was he making it up to Sacramento fans for that rigged game in the 2002 playoffs?  Doesn't really matter, does it? B+

Grant Napear: The KHTK broadcaster went from chief flunky to head cheerleader with a dizzying 180-degree turn.  Napear certainly supported the sale enthusiastically for the past two months, but nobody will forget how much water he carried for the Maloofs over the past two years. You just can't shake the feeling that he was celebrating more keeping his job than keeping the Kings. Guess you can't fault him for that.  B-

Friday, May 10, 2013

How the NBA can solve this dilemma with one simple stipulation

The poker game is on.  Oh, it is so on.

Chris Hansen and the Seattle group just took a tractor filled with cash and pushed it to the center of table.

The Maloofs sit on the sidelines, drooling, as they await to see just how big a windfall they can get for dismantling a franchise and alienating an entire fanbase.

And now some people say the NBA is in a pickle.  How can the league turn their backs on that much cash?  Hansen knows that everyone has their price.

So what to do?

Well, if Chris Hansen wants to buy the Kings, let him buy it.

The NBA should let the sale go through.

With one important stipulation:

The team stays in Sacramento and no other vote on relocation could take place for at least five years.

Would Hansen want to own the Kings and have them play in Sacramento for the next five years?  Is he that patient?

Call the bluff.  Hell, make it 10 years before a relocation vote could be taken again.  See what Hansen does then. Because it sure seems like the Seattle group is going to take this battle to the courts if it gets shut out.

Why not take away his ammunition?  Give him the team.  And give him Sacramento.  For years and years and years.

I'd like Chris Hansen as owner of the Sacramento Kings.  He's got deep pockets and doesn't seem to mind writing very large checks.  Could he stand to lose at a crappy arena for half a decade or more.  Would he do an arena deal with Kevin Johnson?

Let's find out.

Monday, May 6, 2013

Twitter Wars Heat Up: On the frontline with Bruski, Carmichael Dave and Breton

One of the fascinating aspects of this entire Sacramento-Seattle death duel has been the Twitter wars between media members.

It must be a sign of the times when people air their dirty laundry in public without a hint of shame.  Maybe it's reality TV.  Maybe it's the feeling of being completely connected to the world 24 hours a day.  But people love to let it rip on Twitter.

For those not keeping score, let's catch up with what our Top Area Twitter Warriors have been up to over the past few days.

Aaron Bruski

Twitter handle: @aaronbruski

Media job: Well-sourced NBA writer who frequently appears on,, Yahoo! and other places.

Main nemesis:  All those who question his veracity, truthiness and patriotism.  Had a surprising flame-throwing war with mild-mannered writer Scott Howard-Cooper in recent weeks.

Most fun recent tweets:

To ESPN business writer Darren Rovell...

@DARRENROVELL this concludes me owning you for today. Next time you send me a douchey DM just realize you're not that good.

Bruski also engaged in a little vitriole against SB Nation after his name was dragged through the mud on the Sonics Rising blog.

SB Managing Editor has zero clue what his company is publishing, defamation included, and responds by telling me to get off my high horse.

Carmichael Dave

Twitter handle: @carmichaeldave

Media job: Super fan for Kings, sometimes garage internet radio broadcaster, RV driver.

Main Nemesis: Seattle trolls and anyone who questions his undying allegiance to former radio pal Grant Napear.  Has very unkind words for Bay Area personality Ric Bucher, who has been undeniably wrong every step of the way on the Kings.

Most fun recent tweets:

To former KHTK broadcaster Jim Kozimor, who didn't think much of Dave's cozy relationship with Grant...

@CSNKOZ DUDE. You said I'm sucking up?? You back off guy. I give you credit non stop, and I stay out of the you vs. Grant stuff. Why the issue?

Dave and Koz went toe-to-toe for awhile, but Koz landed with this Twitter reply:

@CARMICHAEL DAVE: back down little man.  Don't take shots at me.  Who put you on and nurtured your career? Vs. who made fun of you?  Stand down.

Marcos Breton

Twitter handle: @marcosbreton

Media job: Condescending Sacramento Bee columnist (and the only one worth reading), whose main focus constantly ends up on his favorite topic - himself.

Main nemesis: Almost anyone who questions his all-knowing authority.  Seems to take great joy in evangelizing about his weight loss (c'mon, you fatties, I did it, so can you) and bragging about how many Twitter followers he has blocked (full disclosure - I'm one of them)

Most fun recent tweets:

Here's one of the best humble brags in recent Sacramento history, from Monday...

@HOFFA77 Yup, blocked.  Last night I blocked 14 Maloof memes and insult hurling people.  I picked up 30 new followers.  It really works.

A little while later came this one.  He's taking no prisoners. You've all been warned...

@ALLBENJAMENS @STOCKTANIAN I've blocked about 25 guys in the last 24 hours, all for annoying me.  How much more clear can I be?

Marcos also had a bit of spat with Carmichael Dave.  Seems he's holding a little grudge about how KHTK treated him in the the past...

@CARMICHAEL DAVE Let's not pretend that Napear, you, the Rise Guys, Kozimor, Lamb, everyone on KHTK wasn't ripping me for the ? the Maloofs for yrs.

Final full disclosure:  I am ready, willing and able to have a Twitter war of my very own, but my 87 or so followers don't exactly constitute a viable audience.  But if unblock me, Marcos, I'd be proud if you called me a pompous arrogant ass.

Monday, April 29, 2013

Time for Kings fans to start dreaming again

Time to take a deep breath, Kings fans.

Your long national nightmare is finally over.  The city won.  The carpetbaggers lost.  And now you can clear your head and start dreaming.

You can dream about an ownership that aspires to NBA titles and not to bargain-basement personnel moves.

You can dream about a team that will be able to compete in the free-agent market.

You can dream about an arena in the center of a vibrant city center, a place where you'll want to go long before a game and stay long after.

You can dream about player stats instead of binding sale agreements.

You can dream about Travis Outlaw (okay, maybe that's going too far).  But you can dream about DeMarcus Cousins being coached by a top-notch thinker and motivator.

You can dream about a city that thinks big and takes risks because that's what world-class cities do, despite the knee-jerk blowback of doomsayers.  Yes, folks, the city will be a better place for having pro basketball and a new arena. 

Sleep well, Kings fans.  Because even though the big, bad Maloofs may want to cause more trouble before they exit stage left, the future finally has a clear and wonderful path.


Friday, April 19, 2013

Maloof letter to NBA: The Portions You Didn't See

We were slipped a copy of the alleged original letter from George Maloof to the NBA.  Here are some of the juicier, redacted portions of the letter:

"The offer from the Sacramento group was, plain and simple, just paltry. Chicken feed. Play money.  In fact, we're not sure this Vivek guy is even real. Does he have a checking account?  We've never seen proper I.D."

"I ran the Palms in Vegas. Maybe you've heard of it.  It was the hottest place in town.  I know all about good deals. And this deal from this so- called group of whales is not good.  And please, don't tell me I ran the Palms into the ground. That is all speculation and rumors being spread by a dubious clandestine Sacramento organization"

"We tried to make it work in Sacramento.  We did what every red-blooded NBA owner in the league would do ... We tried to bleed every last cent of public money from the city in exchange for the right to take every penny of profit from a new arena, parking and naming rights."

"Mr. Stern, sometimes I get the feeling you think we are amateurs in the world of business. You treat us like we are little boys running a lemonade stand. Well, I tell you this: You are a stinky face."

"We really respect the fans of Sacramento. We would never want to treat them badly. But c'mon, Seattle!  Coffee. Alt bands. Guys with very heavy wallets. How could we not choose them?"

"Mayor Kevin Johnson hasn't been that fair with us.  I think he's upset that we don't kiss his feet and call him King KJ.  But look, we don't want to be responsible for the homeless of Sacramento going hungry. Or for half the elementary schools to close.  Or for criminals to take to the streets.  That's why don't want to take the Sacramento deal. We're doing it for the citizens. God bless them."

Friday, April 12, 2013

The Maloofs: How to destroy a franchise and get filthy rich

For all we know, the Maloof family might be sweetest, most kind group of folks in the world.

For all we know, the Maloof family might be the most greedy, despicable bunch of dillettants since the Kardashians.

But for the people of Sacramento, all we can see right now is an ending that rewards the family with untold riches after it dismantled a franchise and left a legacy of ill will.

The Kings have been operated on yarn and chewing gum for way too long.   For the past three years, the Maloofs have flirted like drunk tramps with virtually every city in America.  The deals came and went and their secret maneuvers poked like a sharp stick at the psyche of Kings fans.

Now, with murmurs of a bidding war between Sacramento and Seattle, the Maloofs stand to walk away from this deal with more than $400 million in their pockets.  That's enough to start another skateboarding vodka company with plenty left over to fund the bachelor brothers and their antics for years to come.

It just doesn't seem fair.

Unfortunately, it's capitalism at its most raw and unvarnished.

If you like Bain Capital and its strip mining of American companies, you're gonna love this very unhappy ending.

Even if Sacramento wrenches the Kings back from the precipice, the Maloofs still win.

And they win big.

The Maloof family legacy is going to be hard to forget.

Best to start trying right now.

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Sometimes a city just has to go for it

Sometimes, you just gotta go for it.

That's the way I feel about Sacramento's spectacular, last-ditch attempt to save the Kings.

Sure, if you look too close at the numbers, it's probably a bit of a gamble, but it's a worthy gamble.  A smart gamble.

Has anyone seen the Downtown Plaza lately.  It's a sad shell of a mall.  Empty storefronts.  Zero energy.  No foot traffic.

And this is the centerpiece of downtown Sacramento?

There is no billionaire on a white horse who is ready to ride in and save the Downtown Plaza.  Nobody who is ready to infuse billions to revitalize the site.

But there are four so-called whales who are willing to make that investment if it includes the Kings.

That small tidbit alone should be enough to convince anybody about the value of an NBA franchise.

Could the project backfire and cost the city millions?  Sure, maybe.

But it could also turn downtown Sacramento into an amazing destination, boost tourism, and make sure the city becomes an attractive target for young professionals and companies looking for a place with more amenities than just a replica old west town lined with cheesy t-shirt shops.

And what about those citizens who are offended by spending money on such a luxury project when it would be better to spend the money on helping the homeless or increasing law enforcement?

A silly argument.

The homeless and the cops won't benefit a bit if the Kings leave.

Sacramento's city economy is based on state workers.  Those workers figure to decrease in number and see their salaries cut.  That means the only way to increase the budget is to increase the tax revenue. And the only way you do that is by revitalizing the city and inviting development and growth.

Now is the time for visionary thinking.  Now is the time to take a calculated gamble.

Go take a walk through Downtown Plaza.  Look around.  Now stop and visualize a stunning entertainment complex, filled with great restaurants, bars, shopping and a state-of-the-art arena.

Ready to roll the dice?

Saturday, February 9, 2013

Better to empty, not fill, the arena

Here We Buy was a noble idea hatched by devoted Kings fans to fill the arena for a single night to prove, well, uh... I'm not so sure what it was meant to do.

And that's the problem.

In recent weeks, it began to reek of desperation.  When the organizers couldn't get enough fans to pull the trigger on hugely discounted tickets, they asked for donations to buy tickets.

There are reasons why the response was so tepid.  The odds of keeping the Kings seem fairly long at this point and watching this dreadful group of selfish players has become drudgery.  Plus, the thought of handing one more dime to the Maloofs is just painful.

The Here We Buy movement hardly made a blip on the national media radar.  And besides giving Kings fans a feeling like they were doing something positive, it did virtually nothing to move the needle in any direction.

Call me a party pooper.  A cynic.  A jerk-face.  Ouch, that last one hurt.

But I believe there was only one option as a protest for Kings fans.

And that was to empty the arena completely.

What better way to show the contempt for an ownership that ripped the collective heart from the most loyal fan base in the NBA?

A packed house doesn't produce amazing imagery for SportsCenter.

A near-empty arena does.

Think about it:  A professional basketball game played in front of virtually nobody.

And outside the arena, thousands of fans rallying around a bonfire, holding signs saying "The Maloofs Stole Our Heart and Sold Our Soul."  Chanting. Unified.  Partying.   Maybe Chris Webber addressing the crowd.

Now that's an attention-getting event.

Naysayers might say that sends a negative image about the community.  Maybe, but I say it sends a negative image about the Maloofs.  That they did the city and the fans wrong.  And now the fans are fed up and not taking it any longer.

Would emptying the arena matter to the NBA?  Probably not much.  But there's a reason why negative political ads are more effective than positive ones.  The messages in negative ads are more likely to stick in your brain.  The more you can plant the message that the Maloofs screwed Sacramento, the tougher it becomes to wrench the franchise away.  

It's not too late to join this new movement, of course.

Here We Empty can still happen.

In fact, I've been part of it for the past two months.

Join me.

Thursday, January 24, 2013

Report: Every Billionaire in the World Wants to Buy the Kings

According to very reliable sources, every billionaire in the world wants to own the Sacramento Kings.

Every single person on the Forbes Magazine billionaire list wants in badly, including Carlos Slim Helu, Bill Gates, Warren Buffet, Bernand Arnault,  Amancio Ortega and Larry Ellison. All have more money than God.

"Who doesn't want to own the Kings?" Buffet said, sporting a purple Jimmer jersey. "I watch every game and, even though I don't agree with Keith Smart's rotations, they are a compelling team to watch."

Bill Gates has been eyeing Sacramento for years. "I once thought about Elk Grove as the new home for Microsoft, but I couldn't get a good deal.  Now I'm willing to risk every cent of my fortune to make Sacramento my new base of operations."

The business world was shocked by the sudden influx of interest from the billionaires.  The big-money players are pushing out lesser ones. One Saudi sheik, worth $950 million, told one local reporter: "Too rich for my blood."

Wall Street investors say buying the Kings could be a hugely profitable move. "I just saw a report cross my desk that said owning the Kings is like printing money,"  said one employee at Merrill Lynch.  "Look at the Maloofs.  Those guys are rich as hell.  At least that's what my friend told me."

The mad rush to buy the Kings shows no signs of slowing down.

"Who doesn't want to have courtside seats to watch Travis Outlaw," howled an elated Ellison.  "All my friends are gonna be jealous as hell when I own this squad."

Sacramento Mayor Kevin Johnson is set to call a press conference to introduce the billionaires.

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

The Untold, Kinda Real Story Behind the Name "HereWeBuy"

The HereWeBuy movement has begun in Sacramento, thanks to local Kings supporter Carmichael Dave, who hatched the idea and helped develop a website that has captured the attention of the city. (See

Thousands of fans have pledged to buy season tickets on the site in hopes it will only boost the city in the eyes of the NBA.

Yet the slogan, "HereWeBuy," was not the first choice of many involved in the project.  It was only chosen after careful consideration and many hours of deliberation.

So what were the other suggestions?

Well, thanks to some inside information, we share them with you:

#HereWeBurkle: Huge favorite early, but then tossed aside because it was considered too specific.  Also considered: #HereWeCarlsen, #HearWeJiffyLube and #HearWeMastrov.  Not considered: #HereWeWeinersnitchel

#HereWeNapear: This lost by a close vote, but was eliminated when Carmichael Dave was unable to secure the rights to use Grant's name from long-lost love Don Geronimo.

#HereWeRemainAThornInTheSideOfTheMaloofsUntilTheyTakeTheirBrokeAssButtsAndGetOutOfTown:  Almost made the final cut but was considered a tad long and, ultimately, too hard to fit on a t-shirt.

#HereWeLingerHopelessly: Slightly depressing idea offered by a group of apathetic fans who wanted to get involved but felt it was too much of a bother.  It was given the early heave-ho.

#HereWeSpayAndNeuter:  Suggestion was slipped in by a local SPCA booster and Kings season ticket holder.  He was quickly shown the door and asked to pick up after his unruly beagle.

#HereWeBlowedUpAnySeattleDealRealGood: Carmichael Dave, a long-time fan of SCTV, was rooting for this one but nobody knew what he was talking about, despite referencing the video below:

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Shocker: Kings post team for sale on ebay!

The Kings are for sale.  And it's finally public knowledge.

But just how public is this knowledge?

Very public.

You see, much to our surprise, the Kings owners have shockingly decided to list the team on  It makes sense.  What better place to get the money you so richly deserve?

It took us awhile, but we finally found the listing -- and it's mighty interesting.

First off, they've listed it for a Buy It Now price of $499 million.  That seemed like a genuine bargain until I scrolled down a bit and noticed that they also wanted $120 million for shipping and handling.

Too steep for my blood.  I'm a sucker for Free Shipping and this just seemed a little overpriced.

The seller -- some guy named MaloofusYou2013 located in Natomas -- posted a fairly compelling description of the sale item.

Here it is:

One-of-a-kind professional sports franchise in gently used condition.   Bid now for a chance to become part of an elite group of team owners.  Team is completely mobile.  Can move anywhere.  Or you can stay put and deal with the cowbell ringers and cocky mayor in this one-horse town.

Item comes complete with set of 12 life-sized professional basketball players.  Set includes one extra-large surly fellow with a lot of talent, one extra small former college sensation who has an interesting first name,  and one former rookie-of-the-year (could have some slight physical defects).  A number of players who seem to lack any ability at all are included to complete the set. 

The product comes with a full coaching staff, although we make no guarantees on their basketball knowledge or their ability to help your set of life-sized players in any way, shape or form.

As an option, we also offer a vice president who is slightly comatose, does not change expression, and was once was considered a genius (that probably no longer applies). 

Please, only bidders with legitimate credentials and big bank.  No wanna-be's, Jersey Shore types, or anyone with the last name Burkle.

All sales are final.  Unless we decide to change our minds at the last minute.

Good luck and good bidding!