The Maloofs: How to destroy a franchise and get filthy rich

For all we know, the Maloof family might be sweetest, most kind group of folks in the world.

For all we know, the Maloof family might be the most greedy, despicable bunch of dillettants since the Kardashians.

But for the people of Sacramento, all we can see right now is an ending that rewards the family with untold riches after it dismantled a franchise and left a legacy of ill will.

The Kings have been operated on yarn and chewing gum for way too long.   For the past three years, the Maloofs have flirted like drunk tramps with virtually every city in America.  The deals came and went and their secret maneuvers poked like a sharp stick at the psyche of Kings fans.

Now, with murmurs of a bidding war between Sacramento and Seattle, the Maloofs stand to walk away from this deal with more than $400 million in their pockets.  That's enough to start another skateboarding vodka company with plenty left over to fund the bachelor brothers and their antics for years to come.

It just doesn't seem fair.

Unfortunately, it's capitalism at its most raw and unvarnished.

If you like Bain Capital and its strip mining of American companies, you're gonna love this very unhappy ending.

Even if Sacramento wrenches the Kings back from the precipice, the Maloofs still win.

And they win big.

The Maloof family legacy is going to be hard to forget.

Best to start trying right now.

The Untold, Kinda Real Story Behind the Name "HereWeBuy"

The HereWeBuy movement has begun in Sacramento, thanks to local Kings supporter Carmichael Dave, who hatched the idea and helped develop a website that has captured the attention of the city. (See www.herewebuy.org)

Thousands of fans have pledged to buy season tickets on the site in hopes it will only boost the city in the eyes of the NBA.

Yet the slogan, "HereWeBuy," was not the first choice of many involved in the project.  It was only chosen after careful consideration and many hours of deliberation.

So what were the other suggestions?

Well, thanks to some inside information, we share them with you:

#HereWeBurkle: Huge favorite early, but then tossed aside because it was considered too specific.  Also considered: #HereWeCarlsen, #HearWeJiffyLube and #HearWeMastrov.  Not considered: #HereWeWeinersnitchel

#HereWeNapear: This lost by a close vote, but was eliminated when Carmichael Dave was unable to secure the rights to use Grant's name from long-lost love Don Geronimo.

#HereWeRemainAThornInTheSideOfTheMaloofsUntilTheyTakeTheirBrokeAssButtsAndGetOutOfTown:  Almost made the final cut but was considered a tad long and, ultimately, too hard to fit on a t-shirt.

#HereWeLingerHopelessly: Slightly depressing idea offered by a group of apathetic fans who wanted to get involved but felt it was too much of a bother.  It was given the early heave-ho.

#HereWeSpayAndNeuter:  Suggestion was slipped in by a local SPCA booster and Kings season ticket holder.  He was quickly shown the door and asked to pick up after his unruly beagle.

#HereWeBlowedUpAnySeattleDealRealGood: Carmichael Dave, a long-time fan of SCTV, was rooting for this one but nobody knew what he was talking about, despite referencing the video below:

Shocker: Kings post team for sale on ebay!

The Kings are for sale.  And it's finally public knowledge.

But just how public is this knowledge?

Very public.

You see, much to our surprise, the Kings owners have shockingly decided to list the team on ebay.com.  It makes sense.  What better place to get the money you so richly deserve?

It took us awhile, but we finally found the listing -- and it's mighty interesting.

First off, they've listed it for a Buy It Now price of $499 million.  That seemed like a genuine bargain until I scrolled down a bit and noticed that they also wanted $120 million for shipping and handling.

Too steep for my blood.  I'm a sucker for Free Shipping and this just seemed a little overpriced.

The seller -- some guy named MaloofusYou2013 located in Natomas -- posted a fairly compelling description of the sale item.

Here it is:

One-of-a-kind professional sports franchise in gently used condition.   Bid now for a chance to become part of an elite group of team owners.  Team is completely mobile.  Can move anywhere.  Or you can stay put and deal with the cowbell ringers and cocky mayor in this one-horse town.

Item comes complete with set of 12 life-sized professional basketball players.  Set includes one extra-large surly fellow with a lot of talent, one extra small former college sensation who has an interesting first name,  and one former rookie-of-the-year (could have some slight physical defects).  A number of players who seem to lack any ability at all are included to complete the set. 

The product comes with a full coaching staff, although we make no guarantees on their basketball knowledge or their ability to help your set of life-sized players in any way, shape or form.

As an option, we also offer a vice president who is slightly comatose, does not change expression, and was once was considered a genius (that probably no longer applies). 

Please, only bidders with legitimate credentials and big bank.  No wanna-be's, Jersey Shore types, or anyone with the last name Burkle.

All sales are final.  Unless we decide to change our minds at the last minute.

Good luck and good bidding!

Revealed: Secret Maloof daily schedule

You've probably been wondering what the Maloofs, the owners of the Sacramento Kings, have been doing lately.

You see, everyone seems to think the Kings have become irrelevant.  But just because you never hear a whisper about a possible move as the draft approaches, that's no reason to believe that nothing is being done.

And even if every potential draft choice has decided take a wide berth around Sacramento and refuse to work out for the team, that's no reason to think the Maloofs aren't digging deep to make things happen.

Here at Kings Talking Points, we've got proof the brothers are working damn hard.  We've obtained an alleged daily schedule for the Maloof brothers.  Take a look.  It may change your mind.

8 a.m.: Morning Bikram Yoga.  Clothing optional.  Joe and Gavin attending.  Bring extra towels - Gavin tends to sweat a little too much for the room.

9:30 a.m.: Home renovation class at Home Depot.  This week's topic: How to fix those pesky luxury boxes with a little paint and spackle.  George attending.  Joe and Gavin waiting in truck.

11 a.m.:  Man the phones for onslaught of season ticket renewal calls.  George, Gavin and Joe.  Gavin requests that this time there be no jokes about playing Simon and Garfunkel's "Sounds of Silence" as background music.

11:16 a.m.: Use season-ticket phone to order pizza for lunch.  Gluten-free crust, please.

11:20 a.m.: Prepare for conference call with NBA and David Stern by gathering little-known but damning facts about Sacramento's awful economy.  Gavin attending.

11:46 a.m.:  Conference call with David Stern and NBA.  Team attorneys will be present on call to gently allude to anti-trust violations, but George demands that everyone treat "that little power-mad runt" with respect.

12:30 p.m.:  Lunch.  Casual dress.  Courtside during auditions for Kings dance team.  George requests that Gavin and Joe refrain from getting up from their seats and giving any individual dancer a standing ovation.  Please wear loose-fitting pants.

2 p.m.:  Maloof family nap.  Spooning optional.  George, Gavin and Joe attending.  Possible appearance by sister Adrienne.

4 p.m.:  Meeting with team vice president Geoff Petrie to discuss potential free-agent signings.  George notes that their checking account at Wells Fargo is currently overdrawn so any offers made to prospective players will need to be done with fingers crossed behind back.

5:30 p.m.:  Research session on possible draft picks.  Special guest speaker:  Some guy who attended a North Carolina game a few months back and remembers seeing a good player, although he doesn't remember the kid's name.  Gavin and Joe attending.

6:30 p.m.: Prep for confidential, top-secret meeting with Mr. Big.  Identity to remain secret.  Gavin sent to airport to pick him up after his flight from Seattle arrives.

8:30 p.m.: Top-secret meeting.  No further details.

10:30 p.m.:  Bedtime.  Gavin tucks in Joe tonight.  George gets the couch.