Saturday, November 13, 2010

The Sensational Official Report on the DeMarcus Cousins Incident

The Official Report of the DeMarcus Cousins incident was slipped to me at a Starbucks on Madison Avenue. The facts are both startling and revealing, but I had to take a solemn oath that I would only vacation at the Palms in exchange for releasing the details. Despite my qualms, I agreed.

Herein lie the details:

Date: Oct. 12, 2010
Time: Early morning
Place: Kings practice facility.

DETAILS: Mr. DeMarcus Cousins, a large man of some girth, was engaging in the practice of multiple curls under the tutelage of Mr. Daniel Shapiro, team strength coach and producer of the award-winning video: "Sweatin' With The Oldie Kings - Smokin' and Pumpin' Steel With Vlade."

At the time of the incident, Mr. Cousins was looking in the mirror and practicing his various snarls. Mr. Cousins admitted to an eyewitness that he is much more attractive when he snarls, but he is also known to scare teammates. Mr. Donte Greene, who once played basketball for the Kings, went into a three-week eating bender after Mr. Cousins tossed him "a very naughty look."

Mr. Shapiro claims that he asked Mr. Cousins to use a lower weight and do more reps. Mr. Cousins allegedly replied that he already had a good rep and didn't need multiple ones. "I think he was just joking," said Mr. Jason Thompson, who also used to play for the Kings.

At this exact time, Mr. Paul Westphal entered the facility and announced that he was ready to install a new offense. According to all witnesses, nobody heard Mr. Westphal. "We haven't listend to that dude in a year," Mr. Tyreke Evans noted. Mr. Westphal reportedly bowed his head and left muttering to himself.

At that point, Mr. Cousins started strutting around the room proclaiming that he was "buff enough" and needed no further work. Mr. Shapiro grew angry and told Mr. Cousins he needed to get back to work. Just then, according to onlookers, Mr. Darnell Jackson, a man that nobody knew was even on the team, picked up a barbell and started doing squats at an increasingly rapid pace. "That's what I'm talking about," Mr. Shapiro allegedly shouted to Mr. Cousins.

Mr. Cousins then took off his sweaty headband and proceeded to gag Mr. Shapiro. A shouting match ensued, followed by polite dancing and, finally, a healthy handshake.

RESULT: Mr. Cousins was fined an undisclosed amount and forced to watch five consecutive episodes of "Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" starring Adrienne Maloof.

No further details were made available.

There it is. Draw your own conclusions, folks.

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